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My name is Alexander Malicious of Oz. I am twelve years old, but I was only ten months old when the whole world went kablooey, so I don\u2019t remember any of it. Daddy once told me I had a different name back then, but he won\u2019t tell me what it was. After everybody died, Mom and Dad renamed me. They never told me why.<\/p>\n
So, it\u2019s Alexander Malicious of Oz. I think that\u2019s an okay name, isn\u2019t it? Of course nobody calls me that. I\u2019m just Alexander most of the time.<\/p>\n
See, there\u2019s me and my little sister, Annie Globetrotter of Harlem, and my mom and my dad, and my granny. Her name is Bermuda Short. She doesn\u2019t like that, but it\u2019s been her name for more than decade now, and she\u2019s old, so she\u2019s stuck with it.<\/p>\n
The world went kablooey in 2021. I can\u2019t tell you what happened, because nobody will tell me<\/em>. All I\u2019ve been able to figure out is that everyone died.<\/p>\n They don\u2019t talk about it. I asked Dad once a couple of years ago, and he slapped me.<\/p>\n Mom told me once that before the end of the world, there were lots of other people. I asked how many, and she said, \u201cLots!\u00a0 More than you could ever imagine!\u201d<\/p>\n Well, I can imagine<\/em> a lot. I think she probably means there were about a hundred people. I know that\u2019s hard to believe, because how would anybody ever remember who everyone else was? How would they find enough squirrels and berries to eat? Maybe it was really only fifty. I have a big imagination, so it was really probably smaller than I can visualize.<\/p>\n It was Mom\u2019s idea to write a diary. She figures since she\u2019s been trying to teach me to write for years now, I should put it into practice so I don\u2019t forget how to. Or something like that. She said to start by talking about who I am. That\u2019s pretty dull, though. I\u2019d rather talk about it being Christmas!<\/p>\n I never know when it\u2019s going to be Christmas. My daddy always just announces one day that it\u2019s time. I don\u2019t know how he knows, and he won\u2019t tell me. Mom just shrugs, like she doesn\u2019t know, either.<\/p>\n My dad is the big boss.<\/p>\n Old Granny is kind of useless. No point even asking her. The best I\u2019d get from her is a shrug. She mostly just sits on her rotting old log during the day and hardly ever talks. Mom does the talking in this family, but it\u2019s always stuff that nobody cares about.<\/p>\n \u201cLooks like another nice day!\u201d<\/p>\n That\u2019s her favorite way to start the morning. Well, it\u2019s pretty much always<\/em> a nice day. After all, we\u2019re in Floreeda. It\u2019s sunny and warm and Daddy says it\u2019s always nice in Floreeda, and I have to agree. But every morning, Mom tells us it\u2019s going to be nice.<\/p>\n She also likes to talk about how she wonders what we\u2019re going to do for dinner. Daddy usually is able to hunt something, and on the days he doesn\u2019t, we\u2019ll just eat berries, so what\u2019s there to talk about?<\/p>\n This morning, though, it was Daddy\u2019s time to talk. He came back early from hunting and announced, \u201cToday is going to be Christmas.\u201d<\/p>\n I almost couldn\u2019t believe it! It\u2019s been like forever since the last time he said we\u2019d have a Christmas. I ran into our tent and found my little sister.<\/p>\n \u201cAnnie Globetrotter of Harlem! It\u2019s Christmas today!\u201d<\/p>\n Her eyes went wide and she jumped to her feet, scattering the half dozen bare branches she\u2019d been playing with. \u201cReally?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes! He just told us.\u201d<\/p>\n Annie paused and then asked, \u201cWhat\u2019s Christmas again?\u201d<\/p>\n I shook my head. \u201cDon\u2019t worry, you\u2019ll understand soon enough.\u201d<\/p>\n The rest of the day was just amazing. I had so much energy, I ran through the forest to wear myself out so I wouldn\u2019t explode. And I did my chores without complaining throughout the day. That\u2019s why I decided to start writing my diary today. What better day than Christmas?<\/p>\n It\u2019s later on Christmas Day now. The sun is setting and Daddy is getting the fire going. He has a big stack of books lined up to burn, so he\u2019s taking this whole Christmas thing very seriously. The fire is going to last a long time, maybe all night.<\/p>\n Did I say how much I love Christmas?<\/p>\n We didn\u2019t eat today. That\u2019s part of the tradition. We save our appetite for Ye Jolly Old Christmas Feast. We are allowed to drink, though, so I\u2019d run down to the creek a few times during the day to scoop out some water.<\/p>\n The last time I went, I decided to go swimming. Annie Globetrotter of Harlem was with me, and she wanted to swim, too. We both stripped off our clothes, but before we jumped in the water, she pointed at me and asked, \u201cWhat\u2019s that?\u201d<\/p>\n I didn\u2019t know what it\u2019s called. Mom and Dad would never tell me.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know. It\u2019s just something I have that you don\u2019t. I call it my lazy finger.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI want a lazy finger, too! Why don\u2019t I have one?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBecause I\u2019m older than you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWill I get one when I\u2019m older?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t really know.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll ask Mom.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, don\u2019t. She won\u2019t like that, and if Daddy hears you, he\u2019s just going to slap you. You know that.\u201d<\/p>\n Annie followed me into the water. It was cool. I suppose that\u2019s because it must be winter, since it was Christmas Day. On Christmas, it snows and the reindeer jump over the moon to cool the world down.<\/p>\n The current was very slow, and we floated around for a bit before climbing back out and lying in the sun to dry off. The sun is hot in Floreeda, even on Christmas Day.<\/p>\n Annie has long yellow hair. Mom talked about cutting it one day, but Annie hated that idea. Mom cuts my hair sometimes by chopping it with a sharp rock. My hair is brown.<\/p>\n While we were lying there, Annie studied the thing between my legs. At one point, it decided to grow, like it does sometimes. Annie\u2019s mouth seemed to drop when she saw it change.<\/p>\n I just laughed and closed my eyes. I almost fell asleep, but after a while I got up and my lazy finger was back to normal. We got dressed and went back home.<\/p>\n \u201cAlexander Malicious of Oz!\u201d called my dad when he saw me. I could tell he was in a very good mood, because he called me by my full name.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, sir!\u201d I know how Daddy likes me to answer lickety split when he calls me.<\/p>\n \u201cGrab me some more firebooks to add to our stack. It\u2019s time to get the party going.\u201d<\/p>\n I nodded and walked to the garage. That\u2019s a hut that Daddy built when we moved here. It\u2019s built with branches and moss and is full of firebooks.<\/p>\n I pulled out three. One was called Gone With the Wind<\/em>, the second was The Stand<\/em>, and the last was yet another copy of The Kardashians<\/em>. That one seems to have been very popular with people. I\u2019m sure I\u2019ve taken several other copies out to burn previously. I have no idea what a kardashian might be.<\/p>\n They were all hefty. I always grabbed thick firebooks so I wouldn\u2019t have to keep running back and forth all night.<\/p>\n Daddy started ripping out pages and putting them together, then he used one of his lighters to start the fire. He\u2019d be busy most of the evening adding firebooks to keep the blaze going and working his way up to logs that would burn longer.<\/p>\n Somewhere beyond the forest is the great and fabulous city of My-Ami. I know Daddy went there many times when we first moved to Floreeda. He told me he found zillions of books sitting on people\u2019s doorsteps from the amazing land of Amazon. The firebooks were delivered but never picked up by people before they died. Daddy collected them all and brought them to our hut to burn.<\/p>\n Inside the boxes were tiny white cubes that Daddy said were to protect the firebooks. I\u2019m not sure why they needed to be protected, since they\u2019d just be burned anyhow, but when I asked that, Daddy slapped me, so I know better than to care about that now.<\/p>\n Tonight being Christmas, Daddy had taken all the white cubes and scattered them all around the campfire. He called it snow. I love when it snows! It looks so different, and it only happens on Christmas Day.<\/p>\n I also really enjoy watching the fire crackle and pop. We don\u2019t have enough holidays, so whenever we do get one, I always be sure to enjoy it.<\/p>\n The last holiday we had was Thanks-Burning. That\u2019s not a very interesting holiday, because we mostly just sit around and talk about reasons to throw each other into the fire.<\/p>\n The fire pit is outside our tent, and by the time the fire was going full steam, the sun had set. Mom and Old Granny Bermuda Short came out and were sitting on the log nearby. I grabbed the stump and Annie Globetrotter of Harlem sat on the ground. Only Daddy was standing, as of course was tradition.<\/p>\n The sky was clear, and I could see stars up above. From somewhere in the distance, frogs croaked and I could hear an owl hoot. It made me think even Bloody Mother Nature knew it was Christmas.<\/p>\n Finally, Daddy started to tell us what we longed to hear.<\/p>\n Christmas is a very old tradition (said Daddy<\/em>). It\u2019s a time for love and a time for joy.<\/p>\n The first Christmas happened more than 2,000 years ago. It\u2019s hard to believe, but it\u2019s true. Back before the whole world went kablooey, people called archaeologists found evidence of that.<\/p>\n Every Christmas we celebrate the birth of Walt Disney. Sometimes he was called Uncle Walt, because when he was born, he already had a long beard that stretched down to his knees.<\/p>\n Three wise asses followed the stars to find the baby Walt in the little town of Bethlehem. That\u2019s somewhere near Japan.<\/p>\n Uncle Walt was the son of Dog. Dog was the ancient being who invented the world. When He wasn\u2019t happy with things anymore, He destroyed he world as easily as he created it.<\/p>\n For a while, though, Uncle Walt became the most powerful magician in the world. He could change water into wine, part the Red Sea, walk on water, and even bring people back from the dead. He was one hell of a magician, the best the world had ever known.<\/p>\n When the three wise asses found their way to the baby Walt, they brought gifts with them. That started the tradition of always thanking Dog whenever anything good happened. Today, that tradition has passed down symbolically so that everyone has to thank their Daddy for all good things.<\/p>\n Everything bad, of course, is Dog\u2019s fault. Everything good is done by Daddy.<\/p>\n Uncle Walt was nailed to a cross when he was a teenager, because everyone loved his magic tricks and wanted to see him escape. Many years later, another famous magician named Houdini also performed magical escape tricks, but nobody could ever do them better than Uncle Walt!<\/p>\n Walt Disney was crucified near Orlando, Floreeda, not far from where we are now. One day, when you kids are old enough, we\u2019ll do a pilgrimage to Orlando and pay tribute to Uncle Walt himself. It\u2019s something every citizen must do at least once in their lifetime. Otherwise Uncle Walt\u2019s ghost will haunt you forever.<\/p>\n Tonight, we\u2019re incredibly fortunate to have Ye Jolly Old Christmas Feast. The ghost of Uncle Walt led me earlier today to trap a beautiful fat raccoon, and so we can have our traditional stuffed raccoon feast tonight.<\/p>\n Nobody will go hungry tonight, except for possibly Bermuda Short.<\/p>\n We need to thank Dog for providing us with such generosity tonight. So, please close your eyes and call out three loud cheers for Dog\u2019s generosity!<\/p>\n It took quite a while for Daddy to skin the raccoon and rip its guts out and then stuff it with berries. Once that was all done, he stuck a metal rod down its mouth and pushed open a new asshole for it. Then he could start spinning it on the spit.<\/p>\n Christmas is the only day that the great Dog gives us stuffed raccoon. It\u2019s the best meal of the year. We were just about starving when the meat started to sizzle and Mom started to shuffle around, setting places at our picnic table. She brought out the good china dishes, which shone brightly from the fire. We hadn\u2019t used any real dishes for a year, not since last<\/em>\u00a0Christmas.\u00a0 Usually we just plop the food right on the picnic table. Nobody cares.<\/p>\n We do have plastic cups for water. Before it got dark, I\u2019d taken our jug down to the creek to fill it up, so we were all set.<\/p>\n I could smell part of the\u00a0raccoon burning just when Daddy called out, \u201cIt\u2019s ready!\u201d<\/p>\n Old Granny shuffled over to the table, but me, Annie, and Mom almost jumped. We were so hungry, all we could think about was chowing down on the meat.<\/p>\n When we were all seated, Mom said, \u201cHold on.\u00a0 It\u2019s time for us to say grace.\u201d<\/p>\n Damn.<\/p>\n \u201cDear Dog in Heaven,\u201d she said. \u201cWe thank you for delivering this delicious meal to us on this very special day, and we thank you also for protecting us from the big kablooey. You are a good Dog, and we are your willing servants. We tell you all this is Uncle Walt\u2019s name. Ramen.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cRamen,\u201d we all repeated.<\/p>\n \u201cI want a drumstick!\u201d I called.<\/p>\n I wasn\u2019t really sure what a drumstick was, but I\u2019d heard Old Granny call that out one other time.<\/p>\n Daddy smacked me. \u201cYou get what you get,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n That\u2019s when the night took an amazing turn.<\/p>\n Another man had walked into our camp ground.<\/p>\n Now, if anybody ever reads my diary here, you probably are really old, like dirt, and maybe before the big kablooey, people walked into your camp ground every day. Not so with us.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve never seen a single other person in my life.<\/p>\n Neither has Annie Globetrotter of Harlem, of course.<\/p>\n Mom and Dad acted as surprised as the rest of us, but I\u2019m pretty sure they\u2019d seen other people before.<\/p>\n The guy had a long black beard that stretched down to about his belly button, and his face had long scratches dug into it.<\/p>\n He stared at us like we were some kind of weird animals.<\/p>\n \u201cBeen watching you all,\u201d he said. His voice was full of hitches.<\/p>\n Daddy walked over to behind the big old oak tree, where he stashed the ax. He grabbed it with both his hands, like he was ready to chop the stranger\u2019s head clean off.<\/p>\n \u201cGet the fuck out of here, mister.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHey, hold on there!\u201d<\/p>\n The stranger held his hands up in the air, like he wanted to push the sky up a notch. \u201cWe\u2019re just passing through is all, and it looked like — \u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMy boy.\u201d He turned and whistled.<\/p>\n And then\u00a0another<\/em>\u00a0person came out of the forest.<\/p>\n Holy carp! Two new people?<\/p>\n \u201cThe boy is Jiminy,\u201d said the man.<\/p>\n \u201cJiminy Cricket, I imagine,\u201d said Dad. The man just stared at him, so I figured he was right. Dad\u2019s good at figuring stuff out.<\/p>\n Jiminy Cricket wasn\u2019t much bigger than me. He was skinny and had long brown hair. Just like me.<\/p>\n \u201cMaybe you should just keep on walking,\u201d said Dad.<\/p>\n \u201cLooks like you\u2019re ready for dinner. It\u2019d be awfully kind of you to offer some.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s not just dinner,\u201d I blurted out. \u201cIt\u2019s Christmas<\/u> dinner!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIs it now?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYup!\u00a0 See all the snow?\u201d I pointed at the small white cubes.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, it sounds like we came along on the right day. It\u2019d be a very Christian thing for you to feed us tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n Dad stared at them, and I wasn\u2019t sure what was going to happen until Mom walked over and said, \u201cWell, of course you can join us for dinner. It\u2019s not much, but we\u2019re happy to share what we can.\u201d<\/p>\n Dad was gripping the ax harder, and I wasn\u2019t sure that he wasn\u2019t going to use it to chop Mom’s<\/em>\u00a0head off right there and then. He ended up grunting and motioning the two new people to the picnic table, where we all sat down. Well, all except for Bermuda Short. She just wandered off into the tent, but nobody seemed to care.<\/p>\n Two new people! Yowza!<\/p>\n The raccoon wasn\u2019t all that big, and so we only ended up with a couple small pieces each, but that\u2019s okay. Any coon is better than none!<\/p>\n \u201cYou know it\u2019s only October,\u201d said the man.<\/p>\n \u201cNo matter, Christmas is in the heart,\u201d said Mom. I don\u2019t really know what that meant.\u00a0October<\/em>\u00a0sounded like some kind of weird disease. Maybe the man was crazy or something.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat makes it Christmas today?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, I know!\u201d I shouted. \u201cIt\u2019s the day Walt Disney was born!\u201d<\/p>\n I went on to explain about how Uncle Walt was the magician who could walk on water and how he was nailed to the cross but Dog saved him and fed him to the lions. If there was one thing I knew, it was the true story of Christmas. Once he killed the lions, he fed them to the masses, and they laughed and nailed him to a cross.<\/p>\n The man just stared at me. I didn\u2019t think he\u2019s very smart.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere you boys headed?\u201d asked Dad.<\/p>\n The smaller one hadn\u2019t said anything since arriving at our camp. He just kept staring at his now-empty plate. The man said, \u201cWe were heading south, but . . . \u201d<\/p>\n He scratched his beard and looked over at Annie Globetrotter of Harlem.<\/p>\n \u201cYou know, it\u2019s our responsibility to re-populate the planet. Make more babies.\u201d<\/p>\n He nodded at the boy and then to Annie.<\/p>\n Now I was totally confused. Dog is the only way to make babies. He plants seeds in the forest and pours baby oil on them to make them grow. Once they sprout, the parents come along to get them.<\/p>\n \u201cShe\u2019s only seven,\u201d said Dad.<\/p>\n The man shrugged. \u201cGotta be thinking about the future.\u201d<\/p>\n It seemed like everyone just wanted to stare at everybody else from then on.\u00a0 Nobody talked. No wonder Dad didn\u2019t really seem to mind the big kablooey. If this was what it was like having other people around, I was thinking maybe it\u2019s good we just had our family.<\/p>\n I had to pee, so I walked over to the hole in the ground over by the forest and sang \u201cGood King Walruses\u201d while I did it. I sang nice and loud, just like Dad does.<\/p>\n When I came back to the table, I asked the man, \u201cWhat\u2019s your name?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSteve.\u201d<\/p>\n What a weird name.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m Alexander Malicious of Oz.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cReally?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, really.\u201d<\/p>\n He stared at Mom and Dad. \u201cYou really need to teach your children the proper meaning of Christmas.\u201d<\/p>\n Dad laughed. \u201cProper? Like how Jesus came down from heaven to save everybody from sin? Fat lot of good\u00a0that<\/em>\u00a0did the world.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d asked Annie. It was the first time she\u2019d spoken since the strangers arrived.<\/p>\n \u201cGod created the heaven and the Earth,\u201d said Steve. We sinned, and He sent his only son to us, to save us for all eternity. His son was named Jesus, not Walt Disney, and he was killed by evil men, but it didn\u2019t matter, because he saved humanity anyhow and taught us how to live good lives.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cComplete and utter bullshit,\u201d said Dad.<\/p>\n Well then. This was getting interesting.<\/p>\n Steve shrugged. \u201cDenial doesn\u2019t change the truth.\u201d Then he looked at me.\u00a0 \u201cYou ever read The Bible?\u201d He pointed at one of the firebooks that Dad had brought out.<\/p>\n \u201cRead it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNever mind,\u201d he said. \u201cI know the answer.\u201d<\/p>\n I wanted to ask who would ever read a firebook, but I knew better. I took one last nibble of my raccoon and licked my plate.<\/p>\n \u201cMaybe it\u2019s time for you to head out,\u201d said Dad.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019ve been trying to be civil to you, but you\u2019re in danger of overstaying your welcome.\u201d<\/p>\n Steve ignored Dad and looked to Mom.<\/p>\n \u201cMa\u2019am, thank you for your hospitality. My boy and I will just curl up a while by the fire if that\u2019s okay. It\u2019s late. We\u2019ll sleep and head out in the morning.\u201d<\/p>\n Mom lowered her eyes, clearly not wanting to be in the middle of anything. Dad would slap her if she did.<\/p>\n \u201cFirst light,\u201d said Dad.<\/p>\n We ended up not really enjoying our Christmas dinner, but a little bit of raccoon is better than plain old berries, so it could have been worse.\u00a0 We didn\u2019t have any dessert, though. I\u2019m not sure if Dad found any dandelions for us to chew on or if he just decided to forget it all with Steve being there.<\/p>\n All in all, Christmas kind of sucked. In my mind I started to wonder if we could have another Christmas in a few days to make up for it, but I didn\u2019t want to ask Dad in case it earned me a slap.<\/p>\n My hand is getting tired. It\u2019s already morning and I haven\u2019t told you about what happened at first light yet, but I need to stop for now.<\/p>\n And I\u2019m back.<\/p>\n I thought it would be good to take a break to bury Dad. Steve wasn\u2019t all that interested in helping. He\u2019d just dragged Dad\u2019s body over to the bushes and dumped it, which seemed kind of mean to me.<\/p>\n Eventually I scurried around for some branches and tossed them on top of him.<\/p>\n Oh, right! I forgot to tell you.<\/p>\n We woke to screams, and it wasn\u2019t the good kind of screams. I ran out of the tent and saw Steve crashing the ax down over and over again. Daddy\u2019s blood spurted everywhere and turned all the snow around him bright red. It was really kind of pretty, but the screams kind of took away from that.<\/p>\n Annie Globetrotter of Harlem watched with me.<\/p>\n Chop, chop, chop.<\/p>\n I know I shouldn\u2019t have wondered what Dad\u2019s leg would taste like over an open fire, but I couldn\u2019t help myself. I was hungry again.<\/p>\n Eventually the screams stopped, and Dad was all beside himself. Steve just grinned and looked at Mom. Like she would ever do anything to interfere.<\/p>\n Then he looked at me and Annie. \u201cYou can call me Dad now,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n Well, okay then. After the way he handled that ax, I couldn\u2019t see much benefit in contradicting him.<\/p>\n \u201cFirst thing we gotta do is get you clear on God, and Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.\u201d<\/p>\n I didn\u2019t know what to say about that, so I just stared at him. Annie, too.<\/p>\n \u201cOKAY?\u201d<\/p>\n I nodded. What else could I do but agree?<\/p>\n \u201cGood. We\u2019ll begin our lessons later. You need to know about the birth of Jesus. He was born in a manger in Bethlehem, and he rose to become the greatest person in history.\u201d<\/p>\n He stared at me as if waiting for me to contradict me.<\/p>\n \u201cTHAT is what Christmas is all about.\u201d<\/p>\n I nodded.<\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019ll talk about the details later.\u00a0 For now . . . \u201d<\/p>\n That\u2019s when he tossed the pieces of Dad into the forest; later, I went over to find them and put them back together so I could toss some of old Mother Nature onto him.<\/p>\n Mom was crying, but Steve just went over and tried to hug her. She wasn\u2019t having any of that.<\/p>\n So, Dad Version Two is running the family now. He told me to head down to the creek to clean the ax, and then I had to use it to chop some firewood. I wasn\u2019t sure why I had to do that since we still had lots of books, but I wasn\u2019t the one making the rules.<\/p>\n In the evening, we sat on the picnic table and Steve, I mean Dad Version Two, started talking all kinds of carp to us about this Jesus guy. It was like this weird fantasy about how he could make bread fall from the sky and turn water into wine. Pretty familiar stuff, I know. Sounds like they just stole Uncle Walt\u2019s story and made this new guy the same.<\/p>\n I just smiled and nodded, but it was all ridiculous. Who would ever believe that?<\/p>\n Well, one person who was buying it all was Annie Globetrotter of Harlem. She sat there all wide-eyed, listening to the fairy tales.<\/p>\n My old daddy would have called him a brain-washer, I think.<\/p>\n I only asked one question. \u201cHow is Jesus related to Uncle Walt?\u201d<\/p>\n I got slapped.<\/p>\n Some things never change.<\/p>\n For a fire, Dad Version Two insisted on using twigs and tree branches instead of firebooks. It seemed weird, but he\u2019s the boss, so what could we do?<\/p>\n Mom just sat and stared at the fire the whole time, and I knew she was thinking about Thanks-burning and wanting to throw Dad Version Two into the fire.<\/p>\n Come to think of it, I was thinking the same thing.<\/p>\n Who knows what Bermuda Short was thinking? Her brain seemed like a wasteland of porridge most of the time.<\/p>\n Steve\u2019s son, Jiminy Cricket, sat there poking the fire with a stick. I decided to rename him Mystery Boy Theater. I think my daddy would have liked that.<\/p>\n Mystery Boy Theater still hadn\u2019t spoken a word to us. He\u2019d gone pee a couple times and didn\u2019t sing \u201cGood King Walruses,\u201d or any other peeing carols for that matter. He has no manners.<\/p>\n The night ended in a very unsettled way. Dad Version Two pulled Mom into the big bed, and they had their own little kablooey, but Mom screamed a little, and I\u2019m not sure she was really having much fun.<\/p>\n Speaking of that, I asked Dad Version Two about the big kablooey earlier in the afternoon.<\/p>\n \u201cThat was horrible,\u201d he said. \u201cIt was like God was punishing us for all the evil we do, and now it\u2019s time to redeem humanity. That\u2019s why some of us are immune to the virus, and it\u2019s God\u2019s wish that we repopulate the planet for Him.\u201d<\/p>\n I have no clue what that all meant, but I smiled and nodded so I wouldn\u2019t have to listen any more.<\/p>\n Time for sleep.<\/p>\n In the morning, I stretched and then immediately hopped to my feet. The sun was only barely awake, and I knew what I had to do.<\/p>\n The ax was just where I\u2019d left it after chopping down the wood for the fire.<\/p>\n I could still smell the burned tree branches. It wasn\u2019t very nice. I love the smell of firebook ashes in the morning.<\/p>\n Nobody else was awake. I tip-toed to where Dad Version Two was sleeping beside Mom and made sure the first swing of the ax was true.<\/p>\n He didn\u2019t even get a scream out as his head was sliced off from the rest of his body, but man, what a mess the blood made! It spurted out of his neck like a fountain, and it just gushed all over Mom.<\/p>\n So, she<\/em>\u00a0was sure screaming.<\/p>\n I pointed at her and frowned. She got the message and stopped yelling her freaking head off.<\/p>\n I pulled the body off of her and rolled it onto the floor. It was heavy, but I eventually managed to pull it out and into the forest. I suppose I could have followed in his footsteps and cut the body into little pieces, but I just wanted to get it over with.<\/p>\n Once I tossed more Mother Nature on it, I went back to the creek to clean the axe.<\/p>\n \u201cYou killed him, Alexander,\u201d said Mom.<\/p>\n Well, duh.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s not my name any more.\u201d<\/p>\n She looked at me, puzzled.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m in charge now. I\u2019m Dad Version Three.\u201d<\/p>\n Annie Globetrotter of Harlem stared at me like I was Uncle Walt himself, her mouth wide open. Mystery Boy Theater just stared over at Version Two and didn\u2019t say a word.<\/p>\n I realized I should have told him<\/u> to clean the ax, not do it myself. If he refused, I would have had to slap him.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy did you do that?\u201d asked Mom.<\/p>\n Sometimes I think people can be so stupid. Wasn\u2019t it obvious?<\/p>\n \u201cHe kept telling lies about Christmas,\u201d I said. \u201cCalling Uncle Walt a fairy tale, when it\u2019s obviously the truth.\u201d<\/p>\n I looked over at Annie and put my arm around her. \u201cI needed to protect my sister from his lies.\u201d<\/p>\n Mom smiled.<\/p>\n The sun was fully up now, and our campsite was quiet.<\/p>\n \u201cYou,\u201d I called to Mystery Boy Theater. \u201cClean up the fire.\u201d<\/p>\n He hesitated but then moved over to the fire and stacked the unburned pieces of wood together.<\/p>\n Tonight we\u2019ll have a good old fashioned fire made of firebooks, like fires have been started forever.<\/p>\n Maybe we\u2019ll have another Christmas soon. I figure now I can decide whenever I want to have it, and Thanks-burning too.<\/p>\n From this point forward, we\u2019re back to the true meaning of our national holidays.<\/p>\n I took a peek at Mystery Boy Theater and decided I\u2019d better hide the ax.\u00a0 I\u2019m no dummy.<\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.cemeterydance.com\/extras\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/12\/ornament.jpg?resize=150%2C87&ssl=1\")
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