{"id":182,"date":"2009-10-28T12:21:48","date_gmt":"2009-10-28T16:21:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.cemeterydance.com\/extras\/?p=182"},"modified":"2016-07-12T12:18:43","modified_gmt":"2016-07-12T18:18:43","slug":"excerpt-from-walpuskis-typewriter-by-frank-darabont","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.cemeterydance.com\/extras\/excerpt-from-walpuskis-typewriter-by-frank-darabont\/","title":{"rendered":"Excerpt from Walpuski’s Typewriter by Frank Darabont"},"content":{"rendered":"

Excerpt from
\nWalpuski’s Typewriter
\nby Frank Darabont<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"\u201cYes? May I help you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Howard froze in the open doorway, letting the wind howl through the long, narrow shop like a wounded beast. The scabrous old man behind the counter was grinning \u2014 not smiling, but grinning and rubbing his hands together with a predacious glee like John Carradine in a bad movie. He was positively ancient, a bald fossil in green tweed, sporting a pink roadmap of eczema on his scalp. He reminded Howard of a praying mantis.<\/p>\n

A rumble of thunder rolled down Hollywood Boulevard and rattled the windows in their frames. Howard stepped inside and closed the door, shutting out the gale. It wasn\u2019t a dark and stormy night, not yet, but it was getting there in a big, ugly way.<\/p>\n

\u201cMay I help you?\u201d the proprietor persisted.<\/p>\n

\u201cUh, yes, I hope so.\u201d Howard hefted the battered black typewriter case onto the counter and opened it to reveal the equally battered and black IBM Selectric II within. \u201cI\u2019m afraid my typewriter broke down this morning.\u201d<\/p>\n

Broke down, hell. It had self-destructed with an oily belch of smoke and a prolonged, wheezing death-rattle. The sound it made as it expired was that of an old dog farting.<\/p>\n

Howard saw no point in relating all the sorry details. \u201cI\u2019m not really sure what the trouble is.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow tragic,\u201d murmured the old man, and leaned over the carcass of the machine with a look of overwhelming sadness. Then his grin returned, so sudden and unexpected that Howard took a nervous step back. \u201cYou\u2019re a writer,\u201d he croaked. It wasn\u2019t a question so much as the accusation of a hooded Inquisitor.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, yes,\u201d Howard admitted.<\/p>\n

\u201cI spotted it right off, didn\u2019t I? I am Cyril Pratt. And you are\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHoward. Howard Walpuski.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFeel free to browse around, Mr. Walpuski. See what strikes your fancy. Will you be using the dearly departed,\u201d he nodded at Howard\u2019s IBM with the solicitous air of an undertaker, \u201cas a trade-in?\u201d<\/p>\n

Howard shrugged, non-committal. The truth of the matter was he had the sum of his wordly wealth riding around in his wallet in the form of five wrinkled dollar bills and an RTD bus pass. He noticed the faded REPAIRS MADE ON CREDIT sign mounted on the wall and gestured vaguely in its direction. \u201cActually, I wondered if you might be able to\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAffect repairs?\u201d spat the old man. Again, it sounded like an accusation: Zoo, you vant your typewriter repaired, schweinhunt? Und on credit, no doubt! Hmmm\u2026you haff relatives in Argentina, perhaps? Howard felt his face redden, suddenly sure that Pratt knew he had only five bucks to his name, knew about the phone company threatening to disconnect him for non-payment, knew about the nasty letters his bank was sending him with the words INSUFFICIENT FUNDS and OVERDRAWN screaming at him from every paragraph, knew\u2026well, everything.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d Howard stammered. \u201cAffect repairs.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, we\u2019ll just have to see about that, won\u2019t we? We\u2019ll just have to see if repairs are in order.\u201d<\/p>\n

Pratt removed the carriage housing cover and poked his nose into the IBM, prodding around with his index finger, whistling and grunting softly under his breath.<\/p>\n

Howard turned away and pretended to browse the typewriters that lurked in the shadows on musty shelves and pedestal displays, hating himself for letting the old man make him feel ashamed and small, praying that the Selectric could be mickey-moused into functioning again. He had a deadline to meet, rent to pay.<\/p>\n

He\u2019d been to damn near every typewriter shop in the city, lugging the beastly black IBM till the muscles in his neck and shoulders sang arias about muscular aches and pains. Most of the repairmen had simply smiled as politely as possible, shaken their heads, and shown him the door. One guy had actually laughed in his face and said, what\u2019d you do, buddy, use this sucker to barbecue? Howard had resisted a blinding urge to remove all the man\u2019s teeth with one mighty swing of the typewriter; he\u2019d simply thanked him and left, the back of his neck flushed and hot.<\/p>\n

There was no reason to hope that Pratt would be any different, none at all.<\/p>\n

Howard glanced at the counter and was shocked to find the old man staring at him. He was suddenly sure Pratt had been watching him all along, studying him instead of the typewriter. He pictured himself lying on the counter in the IBM\u2019s place, the top of his head removed like a carriage housing cover, Pratt peering inside his skull and poking his finger around, making those soft sounds under his breath.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d said Pratt, \u201cI think repairs are called for. Much needed repairs.\u201d<\/p>\n

Howard\u2019s face lit up. For a brief moment he even found himself liking the old guy. \u201cGreat! How long do you think it\u2019ll take?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMajor repairs,\u201d continued Pratt, ignoring the question. \u201cBeyond just the obvious. The typewriter is the least of it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Howard blinked. \u201cI\u2019m not sure I follow.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnswer me this. If you had an infinite number of monkeys randomly hitting the keys of an infinite number of typewriters for an infinite amount of time, do you know what you\u2019d get?\u201d<\/p>\n

Of course Howard knew; this had been standard in every philosophy course he\u2019d ever taken in college. \u201cYou would eventually get all the great works of literature?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYOU\u2019D GET BULLSHIT, THAT\u2019S WHAT YOU\u2019D GET!\u201d screamed Pratt, causing Howard to jump several feet in the air. \u201cAnd do you know why you\u2019d get bullshit?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u201d blurted Howard.<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause monkeys can\u2019t write!\u201d Pratt unfurled a long, gnarled finger and jabbed it in Howard\u2019s direction. \u201cYou, Mr. Walpuski, are like one of those monkeys. You just keep hitting the keys, and all you keep producing is bullshit.\u201d<\/p>\n

Howard\u2019s mouth dropped open like a trapdoor. \u201cNow wait just a damn minute\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I will affect repairs. On credit, of course. You need pay only a small deposit now, say perhaps . . . five wrinkled dollar bills?\u201d<\/p>\n

This stopped Howard cold. He had just been working himself into a good rage, too \u2014 had, in fact, promised himself to grab the nasty old codger by the frayed lapels and shake him till his head fell off \u2014 but this brought him up short like a bucket of water between the eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cFuh-fuh-fuh-five . . . ?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWrinkled dollar bills, yes. The remainder of my fee will be 10% of all your earnings from the three novels.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThree novels?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, of course,\u201d said Pratt, waggling three fingers impatiently in front of Howard\u2019s nose. \u201cMy work is guaranteed, you know. For three novels.\u201d<\/p>\n

Before Howard could respond, Cyril Pratt tucked the big IBM effortlessly under his arm, case and all. He strode to a door near the back of the shop and threw it open, revealing rickety wooden steps leading down into darkness. He spared a glance over his shoulder. \u201cWell? Come, come! I haven\u2019t got all night, you know!\u201d<\/p>\n

The old man plunged into darkness.<\/p>\n

Click here to read more about this book!<\/a><\/span><\/em><\/strong><\/h2>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Excerpt from Walpuski’s Typewriter by Frank Darabont \u201cYes? May I help you?\u201d Howard froze in the open doorway, letting the wind howl through the long, narrow shop like a wounded beast. The scabrous old man behind the counter was grinning \u2014 not smiling, but grinning and rubbing his hands together with a predacious glee like … Continue Reading! “Excerpt from Walpuski’s Typewriter by Frank Darabont”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-182","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-excerpts"],"yoast_head":"\nExcerpt from Walpuski's Typewriter by Frank Darabont - 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